words

I get so pissed off sometimes. I live in a home full of hypocritical nonsense and whenever I try to speak up about it I'M the one that gets a harsh slap on the wrist. For example, I decided to start washing dishes this morning, since that jerkoff that I live with (Mark's stepfather) has chosen to let them pile up, and then he came into the room and said that he'd do it. Okay, that's cool. I went back to bed. Mark and I go out with Aivril and it's a fun day. We come home, and there are even more dishes piled up on the counter. I know that the one thing Mark's mother  cannot stand is having to wash dishes when she gets home from a twelve hour shift. And I know that jerkoff will not wash them as he said he would. I know that it will be me, and maybe Mark, who will get reprimanded. What irks me the most is every time I try to speak up about this sort of activity, Debi (Mark's mother) shuts it down with "I just want everyone to get along". Okay, great. I get that. But how can that happen when the "master of the house" refuses to do anything and then the two irresponsible kids get blamed for it? I hate it here. I feel like I'm drowning. Every day, time and time again, this asshole makes me feel inferior and unimportant. I've started cutting again. I hate who I am becoming. I want to be a good mother for my daughter, but with every little mistake I make as a result of being a human being, jerkoff is there to magnify it and make me feel like an abusive, unattentive parent. Who does he think he is? It's not like he treats his own daughter with the utmost love and care. He treats her like absolute crap when he thinks no one else is looking. But no one believes me. It's like my voice box has been torn out of my throat. The steam coming out of the shower can be heard better than I can be. Fuck.